HEYOOO–
buckle up ! dusting off this ole thing because a few weeks ago I was reading through some old post and I remember how much I truly use to love writing. It became an outlet for me in seasons where I got to share my highest mountain tops and my lowest valleys. I think that writing use to give me a space choose into vulnerability even when it hurt. so w that; rest assured that I am back and more real and raw than ever before ! so lets dig into what you missed since the last time I logged onto the blog —
cga- as most of you know, I did a program in the fall of 2019 called CGA (the center for global action). to say that this was potentially some of the most challenging months of my life is an absolute understatement. I was pushed in places of my life that I hadn’t even looked at before. sometimes that HURT, like really bad. I found myself in the right smack dab in the middle of barely even knowing who I was anymore several times throughout this program. I remember this angering me in ways that I cant even put into words, at least on such a public platform, haha. mostly because I could not understand why the Lord would speak so clearly to do cga, but then it be a season of almost continuous hurting. but looking back- I see just as it normally is, the Author knew what He was doing when He spoke to me to pursue this program. before doing cga, I was already a confident believer. I had grown up in youth group, done world race, lead a trip of high schoolers to Africa- honestly what could I have learned??? hahahahahaha- laugh with me on that one. cannot believe that was a real thought process that went through my head at one point. for the first time in my life, the people in my program saw my pridefulness, and the most loving thing they could have done for me in that season was not tolerate it. it broke me. we always talk about swallowing our pride, but I felt as though I was told to swallow and all I did was choke. cga felt like a season of me choking, falling on the floor, I couldnt breath, tugging at my throat trying so hard to get a grasp for air. knowing that if I could not get air in the next few moments, I would suffocate. I didn’t understand. why?? why was the Lord allowing me to suffer to this extent? an answer I would leave cga not understanding. little did I know, that the Lord was preparing me for the refinery like He had never prepared me before. I left cga confused, insecure, and angry even. but luckily for me, even in seasons of absolute self deprecation, the Lord still speaks and guides His confused, insecure, and angry son! I initially thought that after cga, I would return back to college and go back to my normal life. but as cga ended, I pleaded with God that this certainly was not the way I wanted to end this season. He spoke about further discipleship, not knowing what that meant I prayed, and prayed, and PRAYED! that was when he spoke about ywam perth to me!
ywam- upon finishing cga, I came home to east texas, celebrated Christmas with my family, and then within a few days of the new year (2020) I was off to Perth, Western Australia. after cga, I was more terrified than ever to go into a season where I was pushed to be vulnerable, and pushed to swallow down that pride once and for all. what if this was just another season of suffocation and self deprecation? but He said “GO” and I wanted to trust Him. So a year ago today, I jumped on a plane and went! I was nearly overwhelmed with the love, excitement, and purity that the community I was entering into carried. A people who are literally from all over the globe, representing Australia, Asia, Europe, Central and North America! I was stretched to know the people before me, who would eventually become some of the most important people in my life even a year later. We had class five days a week, a jam packed schedule of class, work duties, ministry, workouts, and school events! I remember sitting down with my school leaders of the specific school I was attending at ywam perth, and telling them of the hurt and suffocation I had partially at least inflicted on myself because of the unwillingness to swallow down the pride in my heart. so lovingly, all of them, but specifically my leader holly, helped me to understand that the pride I had been carrying up until that point was clearly due to insecurity of who the Lord very clearly said I was. So patiently she sat with me, and helped me sink and believe these things about myself truly, for the very first time. the choking finally stopped, for the first time in months I could breathe. finally, I understood that the Lord had taken me to cga in the first place to help me start the process of choking, so that I could eventually finally swallow. I truly believe that the whole process of the hurt I went through (probably again mostly because of myself) was all so that I could again begin to breathe, but this time with the breath that He has put inside my lungs rather than my own doing. from that point on, I entered into the refinery with Jesus. I was open, ready to be molded into whatever He said be. I wanted to pursue God and to be like Him more than I had ever wanted in my life. chose into His Father heart, and what it meant to be a son. actually believed my identity and foundation lied within Him alone! as seasons always come to a close, this one did too, a few months too early too, due to the corona virus outbreak. but nonetheless in march I returned home to east texas knowing who I was for maybe the very first time in my life. made a commitment to loving those around me the way that my leaders and community loved me so that others could experience being known by a Father and a community the way I had my three months in Perth.
then summer came and there was camp! a sweet season that I dont have immense words for. I made a beautiful friend group amongst the staff there, that have continued to pursue one another even in seasons of not being in the same place any longer. got to love on mostly the same kiddos consistently the whole summer. knew them and attempted to love them the same way I had been loved. I think of them all the time, and I hope that I left some type of imprint of who Jesus is on them this summer.
then finally — BACK TO COLLEGE I WENT ! not for long tho hahahaha, moved back to Lubbock, this time in a house with some solid roomies. started diving back into my community here within my ~christian~ fraternity lol, my church, and my friends from here and there ! was mostly having a really good time being back here with people who are really near to my heart and loved me through some hard seasons from close and far. however only a few weeks into the school year- I was hit by a drunk driver head on. one evening, I had been quarantining because my roomies and I had covid, and I decided I needed to get out of the house and just go drive around for a few minutes. not to mention Justin Bieber had just released his new song holy, so it gave me all the more reason for a nice lil cruise. within ten minutes of this said cruise, was when I got into the car accident. head on. 95+ mph. no headlights from the drunk driver. my car was absolutely crushed. destroyed. and even more so, so was my body. I had to have emergency surgery on my pelvis and right hand. as well as that, my doctors / surgeons had to stabilize my bones in all my major body parts as fractures had been experienced all throughout. I was in the ICU for six days after surgery, and the hospital in total for two weeks. upon getting out, since my body was in absolute shambles, I could not walk on my own. I had to walk (some would say I waddled hahaha) with a walker for what was nearly three months. which was another miracle in and of itself, as they made it very clear I should not have survived the accident, but they told me I would not walk for at least six months. but praise God that we serve and know a God that knows more and is capable of more than any doctor and within three months of my accident and surgery, I was released from my walker, doing life as ~pretty much~ normal, and even driving again. and im so grateful. there were times during my recovery that I experienced immense sadness, maybe even depression, and felt like the light at the end of my tunnel for my recovery was all too far away. but there’s sooo much more that I have to say about all of that that I will write a separate blog about real soon, but felt like that wasnt something I could leave out of this suuuuuuper long recap of the last year and a half haha. since my recovery has pretty much come to a close now, ive moved back to college in Lubbock this week, and ive already started diving back in! I hope for the foreseeable future this time!
BUT YEAH ANYWAY; im back and ill be writing some more here and there ! thanks for reading through all of this if you made it this far and consider yourself ~UPDATED~ and stay tuned and subscribe to read my next blog all about the process my heart went through during my recovery after the accident ! love y’all always,
peace and blessings
-log 🙂
